Why is this a thing?

I hate having anxiety, especially when I feel like I have let someone down.

I have social anxiety or atleast, that’s what I think it is.

I have always felt like I have had some kind of wall up. I don’t know when it was put up, If anything triggered it, or if I have always had it. I just know I have one.

There is something which blocks me from being my total self with anyone, and I mean anyone. With different people I seem to show them different parts of myself. There are some who I am myself with but, I still don’t share everything about how I am feeling because of this wall.

Tonight I went out to celebrate my mums birthday with family and friends. We went to a pub to have tea and then another pub to see a band. As soon as we walked into the first one, I just wanted to cry. I don’t know why. So of course I looked bored the whole time. Everyone is having conversations and I’m just sat there trying not to think that everyone’s eyes are on me. Which is another thing that my brain imagines.

Then we went onto the other pub and I nearly had a meltdown when I offered to buy my aunt a drink but was so worried I would get it wrong at the bar that my mum ended up saying it for me. I am 28 years old! This should not happen! Do you know how stupid I felt? How small I felt? I should not have to lean on people for tasks like this.

We were there for about half an hour when my older sister said she was leaving (she has been ill lately and so she had said she may not stay long, along with her partner) She offered to walk me home if I wanted to go but, then I felt awful for my mum. She had mentioned she would then be walking home alone, as I live with her. So of course dread and disappointment fell over me. If I had stayed I would have had worsening anxiety and felt like a burden by not doing much and if I left I would feel awful for leaving my mum. My mum did say I could go. I did, knowing she had other family and friends there. Though now I know I have put a bump in her night and I feel like I’ve been punched in the heart.

In the summer I went to a friends 30th birthday party. I knew I would find it awkward as I had 3 friends there with their husbands and all of them are best mates. Plus for two of them, all of their family were at the party. Well, I just sat there like a numpty knowing I looked out of place and alone, which I was ok with, I knew I had to deal with it because I don’t want to miss out on these experiences. Then I  felt awful as I felt one of the girls thought she needed to spend time with me and so that made me feel worse because it was her sisters party with her family. See how my mind works?

Arghhhhhh! Why am I like this? Why can’t I form relationships like others seem to do? Considering most of the programmes I have watched are around families, friends and relationships, I am absolutely rubbish at them.

It’s like, with photographs. If someone takes a photograph of me, I feel like they can see into my soul and it is torture. Yet I can take loads of selfies.

What is wrong with my mind?

Now I feel like I am rambling. I don’t even know if people know I have anxiety. They may just think I’m weird because, I’ve never said anything. Then writing it on here seems so easy to me. I should just show them this.

Ugh. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.


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