I have a wall up.
I have always had a wall up and I cannot seem to knock it down.
If I get excited I do not really show it. In photographs I always have the same expression, which quite frankly looks bored, and I just cannot express myself to others. There are probably 3 people who I show some kind of proper excitement too, and even that is questionable.
I’m not sure if it’s my social anxiety or something else, but it doesn’t half annoy me.
It stops me from doing things, things I really want to do. My mind is like ‘Yes, we’re going to do this,’ or ‘Let’s say that,’ but then my body gets the shakes and I need to calm myself down before it goes into a full panic attack.
I get cross at myself because it stops me from doing things and from meeting people; that last one being the main problem at the minute. It’s hard when you really want to meet someone or spend time with someone but, there is something inside of you saying, ‘No.’
I’m going to miss out on friendships and relationships if I can’t show them who I am.